Think Like A Monk (Jay Shetty) Chapterwise Summary and Quotes
Chapter One
We try to follow and impress people we admire. Instead of trying to please ourselves we always play roles and try to act but with that, we end up being dissatisfied and depressed. When we do what we want to do we get inner joy like no other. The way to a meaningful life is to filter the noise and look within. When we do that we have a clear view. Values are crucial, it helps us navigate through life. Our values are built-in since we were young, how we were parented, were born in hardship or luxury shapes us. What we follow influences us. We need to think deeply about our thoughts. What we do in our spare time shows our value, we must use it wisely. We need to invest our time doing things that correspond with our values and avoid what don’t. A self-audit could be appropriate to assess our actions and see whether it fits our values or not. When we are about to do something we need to pause for a second and think about the values behind it. When we surround ourselves with people that have the same values and goals as we do, we prosper. We need to be cautious about the people we surround ourselves with, surrounding ourselves with the wrong bunch of people will do more harm than good.
Chapter Two
Everyone has positives no matter who they are. We can’t omit negativity but we definitely can choose how we react to them. We value social conformity so much that we would even change our responses to please everyone. We go where the crowd is. it’s not unhealthy if the crowd is good, but it’s harmful if the crowd is toxic. When people are negative we need to neutralize them or turn them into positives. We need to be careful not to judge someone by their worst attitudes or by their worst moments. When we’re hurt we show anger and grudge toward the other person, but what we don’t realize is that people usually hurt us because they are hurt inside, and their sadness just spills over. We should not put our energy on something that won’t benefit us in some kind or another. We have to spot, stop, and swap negativity. Complaining and envying others doesn’t make our situation better, instead working on ourselves would be beneficial, journaling our thoughts. Be happy at others' success. The real karma is forgiveness, sometimes the wound is so deep that we don’t know how to forgive but still having patience is key, be the bigger person and forgive. Choose forgiveness over revenge. There is three level of forgiveness, those are zero forgiveness, conditional forgiveness, and transformational forgiveness. Zero means we will not hurt that person but we won’t forgive, conditional means we will forgive under conditions, transformational means we will forgive for our peace and well being, and that is the best form of forgiveness, we blossom when we forgive, and our relationship with others get better as well. The less time we take to fixate on someone else the more time we have to focus on ourselves.
Chapter Three
Fear often causes negativity and anxiety. Fear holds us back from opportunities. Most of the time we relate negatively to fear, we fear about our grades, we fear about our business, and many more, but how about taking fear on our side and using the fear as a motivation to work through it until the fear doesn’t scare you anymore. When we deal with fear and hardships it gives us confidence that we are capable of dealing with fear and hardship. To change the relationship with fear we need to change our perception of it. We need to recognize our reaction to fear. There are 4 emotional reactions to fear, and that's we panic, freeze, we run away or we bury it. We have to realize that fear has something to offer and transform our fear from negative to positive. When we get to know our fears and get to the root of what we are fearful of we discover that it’s not the fear of the work that's stopping us its the fear of failure and the fear of disappointments that’s holding us back. Fear is something we feel it’s just an emotion it is not our identity, it shouldn’t be said that we are afraid it should be said we feel afraid, we should know that the fear does not define us it is what we are feeling and it can be changed, having this thought will help us solve the issue of fear. We can’t control external things but what we can control is our minds, we can be more grateful for the things we have in life. Fear holds us back and makes us panic about things that may never happen. Do not judge the moment, we never know what the future holds, and we should remain open to opportunities. We need to remember that everything is temporary and by that, we will be more grateful for the things we have and the people close to us. We need to Watch our breath when we are fearful, and take deep breaths in and deep breaths out, this will help to recover in the shorter term. Remember how far you came, every fear that you have dealt with and you came out of it every time, and this time it will be no different, this will help you to recover from fear in a long term. The only thing you can do when faced with fear is to face it you can’t run from it, it only gets complicated when you try to run. The conclusion is, fear can be a motivator or scary thing, it is how we take it.
Chapter Four
Four fundamentals of motivation
(Fear,desire,duty,love). Fear is not sustainable, it’s a myth that success leads to happiness. Our search is never for a thing it’s actually for the feeling that it gives us. Material gratification is external but happiness is internal. Princeton University researchers concluded that money doesn’t bring happiness. Sachs says that income has risen from 2005 to now but our happiness has decreased and it is because of social factors, government, our fellow Americans, and social networks. Multiple research and study show that money is not everything. Character is wealth, good conduct is wealth, and spiritual wisdom is wealth, money is just there we fulfill some of our comforts it is barely related to our happiness. Always intend to give more than you intend to receive, it’s pleasantly fulfilling to give and to serve. Be honest and clear with your intentions. Don’t pretend to be what you’re not that’s the worst thing you can do. We should always intend to get better and put in the effort to improve rather than for the outcome because this will destroy our internal happiness and won’t allow enjoying the journey.
Chapter Five
Breathing helps you remove distractions from your mind, it helps to calm yourself and be more focused. Try to meditate, hold your mind in one place sit for a longer period, indeed it will be uncomfortable and boring but it’s beneficial and will cut the distractions and help your mind to center. Control breathing is better than shallow breathing, when your breathing is controlled it helps you in a lot of ways, it increases energy level, and helps you focus on the present moment better. You don’t need a designated meditation place to meditate(it’s better if you have one, but it’s not a must ) you can meditate anywhere you want, on a bed at a party, while sitting on an airplane, and before a presentation. The fact that there are people who are successful early creates a misconception that we all have to be successful early, but no it is okay to take time. Passion+expertise +usefulness =Dharma. Know your dharma and work on them. Our society tends to focus on weakness rather than strengths, why not focus on the things that we’re good at and try to improve them instead of fixing what we’re bad at. We can’t do everything because it’s someone else’s gift and responsibility. But do not confuse weakness with inexperience, do your best if you believe in it but be practical, trying things that you love but you’re weak in that is a good thing who know maybe that is made for you and one day you will succeed, in fact trying different things will help you to find your dharma in life. If we love something we should take a shot at it. There are 4 quadrants of potential,1) skill but no passion. 2) skill and passion 3) no skill no passion 4) no skill but a passion. Try your best to monetize your passion projects. Everyone has time, not 3 hours but everyone has at least 10 mins. Never think that you’re too good for something. Always ask yourself if you like the process of doing something and if you do then it’s your ‘Varna’. There are four Varnas, the leader, the maker, the guide, and the creator. Find a root to loving something, if you follow your bliss, your doors will be open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else. Make sure you feel these six things when you do something otherwise, it’s not for you those are; Alive, flow, comfort, consistency, positivity, and growth. We find peace when we find the real dharma in our life, we feel fulfilled. You always need to think of others, that’s what would make you happy, really happy.
Chapter Six
Having a routine is very important be it sleep or anything else. Sleep is an essential aspect of our life and most of us tend to neglect it, we don’t sleep enough and don’t have a sleeping routine, 85% of the people need an alarm to wake up for work so we need to have a sleeping routine so that we become comfortable sleeping and waking up. We might think less sleep gives up more time to work on things or something but what it does is it affects our health. We never have enough time for anything as well so the trick is to wake up an hour early, what it will eventually do is give you more time to do something and make you tired at night so that you go to sleep early. Plan everything the night before, so that you have fewer things to worry about in the morning and you can just wake up and be ready to take on the day. Routine roots us, it sets us for a better future. Be mindful of everything, even the slightest things. If we can’t enjoy unpleasant things, the pleasant ones become less enjoyable. We have to live every moment and be cautious of how to spend our time because once it’s gone it’s gone forever. If we’re not present at the moment we will always daydream and that will keep us distracted. Be aware of where you thrive, and keep your designated area for different activities. The location has energy and time has energy, try having a fixed location for an activity, try having a fixed time for an activity. Single-tasking is very crucial, researchers show that only two percent of people can multitask effectively, and the majority of us can’t, so it’s better to focus on one thing at a time. We need to allow ourselves more time to settle in. Take time for the results, the more time you put in the better the result is. We need to build routines and train ourselves and take time to look for our purpose.
“We need to have a routine because if we don’t we would just be aimlessly doing stuff” Kobe Bryant.
A Sanskrit writer said,” yesterday was a vision, tomorrow is only a vision, but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope."
Chapter Seven
It is not always about your achievements or your gains, sometimes it’s about the ability to train your mind to tolerate. Research says that our minds are only in the present time for 3 seconds and the rest is about thoughts of the past and future, and often those thoughts are negative, stress, etc, so we need to focus on the present and less on the past and the future. Our minds can be our best friends and could be our enemies as well, it is what we feed it. We need to reflect on what kind of person we are. There are child minds and adult minds, child minds react during criticism, and when faced with any challenges or difficulties, but adult minds assess the situation and wait for the proper time to react so we need to understand our minds, to do that we need to be aware of different voices inside us and starting to differentiate what we’re hearing will help us make better decisions. We should be in control of our minds rather than letting them control us. The monkey mind is reactive, but the monk mind is proactive. We are on autopilot all the time there are always habitual reactions to every action. Talk to yourself and change the negativity on your mind, if your mind says, ‘you can’t do it you tell it that you can do it and you have the ability. There are three routes to happiness and all of them are centered on knowledge: learning, progressing and achieving. When things get wrong instead of bashing ourselves we could find ways to learn, progress, and achieve. Always look on the positive side. We need to find some compassion as well, we should love ourselves like we would love others. Keep your mind on the present, don’t dwell on the past, and don’t be too worried about the future. There is nothing in this world that should own you, otherwise, you will lack self-awareness, detachment helps us do the right things without the pressure of winning and losing and we need that, we need to enjoy the game rather than worrying about the result, the result will take care of itself. We need to test ourselves, only then we will see how much we can tolerate, our abilities beyond our expectations. The only thing that makes things impossible is the thought that it is impossible, once someone does it, it becomes normal because people push further and further. Instead of doing what we want to do, we need to do what is right. When we want to detach from something, we need to be aware of what causes us to do it and then we can rethink why we do it secondly take baby steps (like trying to detach from it for a little bit, etc.), thirdly we need to replace it with a new (healthy)behavior. We need to be strategic about how we can detach, we need to find what motivates us and take calculated steps and move step by step toward the goal. We need to be more patient when we’re down on energy or motivation as much as we are patient when we’re hungry, and even when we need to shower in the morning. We need to cultivate, joy, compassion and inner freedom only then can cultivate those skills and face life with confidence. Our brain is like our muscles the more we train it the better it gets. Our ignorance vails our wisdom and holds us in bondage, it is our knowledge and compassion that sets us up for joy.
Chapter Eight
When we are humble we are open to learning new things but often we have false self-confidence that is rooted in ego, it hurts us badly and eventually destroys us. We want to be treated as someone special and that’s why we aren’t true to ourselves we are different in different situations. We try to impress others and end up being sad, we need to be true to ourselves, instead of thinking about what others going to think we need to figure out what we are going to think because at the end of the day we can’t stay happy if we lie to ourselves. Our ego does not want to be better instead it wants us to be seen better. We always pull others down to make ourselves look and feel better, we rank them by physical attributes, skin color, ethnicity, and many more, these are all vague and don’t make any sense because we have no control over it and just to satisfy our ego to put on false confidence. In life, no one is better than others and everyone needs to be treated equally. Often we find others' fault To distract ourselves and make us feel better. We need to be grateful when we find out that we are wrong. We need to be open-minded and explore opportunities. We need to have openness to experience and only then we will evolve and grow if we think we know everything we would put a barrier and nothing will be able to cross and we will miss out on so many opportunities. We shouldn’t let our egos take over us we should always keep them in check. At one moment your ego tells you you are great at everything and the other moment, it says you are the worst. We must remember the bad we have done to others and the good others have done to us and forget the bad they have done and the good we have done, otherwise, our ego will get the best of us. Forgiveness is another way of letting go of our ego, we need to forgive and forget as much as we can for our betterment. It’s important to look beyond the moment and forgive. Everyone has a story we need to think deeper and understand instead of judging right away. We need to remember that what is our’s now was someone else’s before and will be someone else’s in the future, like our house, money and having this mentality will help us to be more humble because we will remember that what we are given may also be taken from us as well. Failing at something means we’re trying, don’t let your ego make you feel that failing at something means you’re a failure. It’s the same amount of time for everyone, it’s up to you what you want to do with it, you either be productive or be lazy and regret it later. Always seek help, and ask questions if you need to always be eager to improve. Surround yourself with people who help you grow and be better. If you’re lucky and granted success never buy into your hype, humble yourself remember you will die there will be an end to everything, be a good human being only that will stay and only that will make people remember you. Remember you’re not a failure or success because of what others think of you. It’s you who should have your definition of success. Learn from your mistakes and be happy with what you’ve achieved. Remember the sacrifices think of people who helped you throughout the journey thank them and be grateful for everything. Instead of seeing success as status see it as a way of helping others and being in service to others.
Chapter Nine
Appreciate little things, like good words from a friend, a kind gesture, an opportunity, a letter, a new pillow, and every small thing that we take for granted because gratitude opens up opportunities. Gratitude has been linked to better mental health, self-awareness, better relationships, and a sense of fulfillment. When we feel grateful our brain releases dopamine (the reward chemical) which makes us want to feel that way again and eventually it becomes a habit. Always remember that people have it worse and that’s how you will feel grounded. Our minds naturally gravitate towards the negative things so we need to put an effort and think about the positive ones because if we start counting there are many more positives in our life than negatives. Never judge the moment because as soon as you label something as negative your mind starts to believe it. Instead, know that whatever happens for your good and there are always better things coming.
Halen Keller said.” When one door of happiness closes another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the ones which has been opened for us.”
Gratitude living means having trust in life and seeing every moment as a gift. Express gratitude in specific terms, and be genuine about what you’re thankful for. Kindness and gratitude go hand in hand, be kind to people and want the best for them.
Pema Chödrön says,” be kinder to yourself and then let your kindness flood the world.”
Kindness begins with kindness, it’s a chain so be kind and see how everything changes. We need to expand our senses because if we don’t our pain will remain there and we can’t move on we need to expand so that no matter how hard things get how tough things are we don’t give up. No matter what don’t hold yourself from showing love for your loved ones. it’s always forgiveness for everyone’s failures and gratitude for their efforts. In conclusion, we must show gratitude as it is the mother of all qualities.
Chapter Ten
Studies have shown that living a long life, along with a diet and a healthy lifestyle, longevity is also connected with relationships with family and friends. Whatever you give you will get it back (be it love, hate, anger, or kindness) in one way or another. There are four types of trust, competence, care, character, and consistency.
*Competence- Have the right skill set to solve your issue.
*Care- They care about your well-being and what’s best for you.
*Character- people with strong morals and uncompromising values. (Tell you the right thing even if that makes you upset) they are trustworthy and dependable.
*Consistency- Present and available when you need them.
Everyone has something to offer, Know that everyone isn’t the same, a mother's care won’t be the same as a friend's, but they both offer values within what they offer.
A famous poet Jean Dominique said,” people come in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.”
Always weigh everyone equally, we don’t need to be close to or be friends with everyone but seeing everyone equally would ground us and will add variety to our knowledge and experience. Trust is about intentions, not abilities. There are 4 levels of trust: neutral, contractual, mutual, and, pure. It’s always quality over quantity, spend good quality time. There are six loving exchanges: 1) Giving with intention 2) Receiving with gratitude 3) Listening without judgment 4) Speaking with vulnerability 5) Preparing without agenda 6) Receiving with presence. A Harvard study shows that a person can have every other external marker for success like money, career, and good physical health but if they didn’t have loving relationships they weren’t happy. Often when we look to choose partners we see their looks and appearance but we miss the most important thing, we don’t see if they can make us feel loved, or if they can care the way we want them to care.
Chapter Eleven
Helping others selflessly brings a different kind of joy, we always need to be grateful for what we have,
Helen Keller said, “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man with no legs.”
The highest purpose of life is service. We need to help others and be selfless even when we’re struggling and need help because selflessness towards others heals us. Trees live to serve us it bears rain, sun, storms, and many more but still gives us shade and provides fruits, we need to be like them, no matter what we go through we need to provide for others and help them in need. Making ourselves feel good leads to pain and dissatisfaction, seeing it as service leads to fulfillment. Children aren’t born with hatred they need to learn to hate, such that they can be taught to love as well, so why not teach them to love instead of hate. Helping and serving others gives us a purpose in life, we tend to live longer, and healthier, and it gives us a better sense of well-being. A service mindset humbles us, it shows us that everyone is equal, not only this it also gives us a feeling of joy that’s very deep. You don’t have to have to give, you can have proper intentions and give from what you have. Research at UC Berkeley found that those who have less tend to give more than those who have more because they have greater empathy for those in need. True service doesn’t expect or want anything in return, we need to give through the lens of love and duty not to take credit for it. In this day and age, we have everything, technology, recourses, and many more we just need compassion and empathy for one another. Service solves everything, it makes a bad day better, tempers the burden we bear, and many more, in short, it is a direct path to a meaningful and purposeful life.