The Courage To be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga(Chapterwise summary and quotes)
A young learner came to the philosopher to know if human beings can change and be happy, the philosopher says yes regardless of who they are but the young student disagrees and now the philosopher uses Adlerian psychology to explain how humans can get out of their past and change for good.
Chapter one (First night)
The philosopher and the young student talk about Adlerian psychology and how Adler devoted his life to human psychology, dale Carnegie and Steven covey praised him hugely in their books. Adlerian psychology denies that traumas exist because life is what we see out of it, he thinks that there are difficulties and bad experiences and to some, there are horrible ones but it’s on us how we perceive those things, we just need to take the positives and move forward. The philosopher tells the boy that we get angry not because we can’t control anger we get angry because we want to take over the situation / the other person, we want the other person / the situation to submit to us, we want to feel superior. People are not driven by their past but they move towards the goal they themselves set, people can set goals that would help them move forward or keep them where they are and even take them down. It’s okay to be you but it’s not okay to stay as you are right now if you’re not happy with your situation right now, you can’t be someone else but definitely you can be a better you.
Alfred Adler
the most important thing is not what one is born with but what one uses to make out of that equipment.
No one is evil on their own they do evil activities for something be it attention, fear, greed, or sth but no one is bad on their one right from birth. People tend to hate change because they are unaware and afraid of the change, what if getting out of the comfort zone leads to pain and distress, if I leave my job today and start my business what if my business doesn’t do well? Simply put, we’re just lacking the courage to change and be happy. Adler’s teleology tells us that the past doesn’t exist you live your life in the present,
Alfred Adler
no matter what has occurred in your life up to this point it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.
Chapter two (Second night)
After one week the young boy visits the philosopher once again.
When we only focus on the shortcomings and negatives we can’t move forward. We always make excuses for us not to do something, for example, if I had more sleep I could have woken up and gone to the gym in the morning, in fact, we are just making excuses and not holding ourselves accountable for our mistakes. We are overly afraid of being disliked by others, adler’s psychology says that we should go forward even if there is a fear of failure that’s called “encouragement’.You can never be liked by everyone, and you can never stay without getting hurt by others, it’s natural and the reality so to make it an excuse to not be connected with others is a very vague excuse and restrict us from our potential.
Alfred Adler
To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is to live in the universe all alone, but one can’t do such thing.
All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
Often times we compare ourselves with others and end up feeling inferior, and that’s subjective inferiority just because there are other people who are better than we are living we compare ourselves with them. Feeling of inferiority is okay but an inferiority complex makes you doubt yourself and gets you stuck. For example, if you say I am not smart but I will work harder than everyone to get the work done then it’s inferiority but if you say I am not smart it is what it is I can’t achieve anything in life then it’s inferiority complex and inferiority complex is very harmful to us whereas inferiority is healthy as it pushes us to be better. Human beings can’t deal with too much inferiority complex so as a result things turn into a superiority complex. It is where people are so insecure that where to show fake confidence, boost their achievements, show power, they boost other people’s power. One might use the feeling of inferiority to their advantage by saying that ‘you don’t know how I feel’ or ‘you don’t know what I go through’ but this way they make themselves superior and visible because they are not confident enough that people will accept them as they are, of course, people who go through difficult situations have truth in them but mostly they just want to be treated better than others. Life isn’t a competition, and a healthy level of inferiority comes from not comparing oneself with others but rather comparing with their own ideal self. Everyone is different but equal, so everyone needs to be treated equally like human beings. When we make life a competition we always see others as rivals and eventually they are our enemies, we try to outdo them and try to win against them and when we lose we get mad and upset, so the author says that one shouldn’t be comparing themselves with others. The ones who are always there when needed are comrades. Personal anger is nothing but a tool to make other people submit to you. When someone tries to provoke you don’t get provoked, instead try to think about what the other person’s goal is. Life isn’t about winning or losing it's more of a journey to stay in peace and happiness, we often suffer from a superiority complex and to try others to submit to us, but that’s not right, apologizing, and saying sorry isn’t defeat. Quality is better than quantity. Adlerian psychology says that in relationships we must avoid restrictions because those eventually fall apart. Human beings are extremely selfish, we don’t hate people because of their actions we hate others because we try to avoid interpersonal relationships with them, and we have made a goal in our head that we will only look at their flaws.
Chapter Three (Third night )
We shouldn’t expect recognition because if we do so we are not living our life, Adler said that when we expect recognition we don’t do something for which we are not recognized and we do things for which we are not punished (even if they are wrong). Gaining recognition from others never made anyone happy and it never will, trying to make others happy will always keep you busy and you are going to be hard on yourself all the time. we can only change ourselves, people can advise us but they can’t change our life, Adlerian psychology considers it the perspective of “whose task is it?” and whose task he/she should do, we mustn’t intrude, but we can advise and give our best but mustn’t intrude. How others think about you depends heavily on others not you, it’s their task, not yours. One should love and respect their close ones but one should maintain a distance, when you try to read a book from too close you can’t see the same way when you get too close to someone you can’t maintain a healthy relationship with them. We mustn’t intrude on others’ tasks because it will take their interest to do life tasks.
Alfred Adler
Children that had never confronted challenges will try to avoid all challenges.
One who takes the easy and the basic route has to suffer less than the one who takes the hard route but the one who takes the harder route will always be more fulfilled in the end. The goal for oneself is the change not to change the other person, but for himself, the separation of tasks states that one should only worry about his/her own task and leave the rest, and then only then one can attain peace.
Chapter Four (Forth night)
Adler thinks that mind and body are no different, if a person is fearful he shakes and that shows the connection between mind and body. We lie to ourselves that we got angry and do things in the heat of the moment, but in reality, nothing happens in the heat of the moment, how it actually works is, we think and the body acts. People who want recognition are self-centered all they think is for themselves they think the world revolves around them. We’re a part of the community, not the center, we should serve others as well. To get the real sense of belonging Adler says that we need to be giving and not worry about getting back and then only we can get the real sense of belonging. We are all connected to the community of earth. when we seclude ourselves in a small community (like a school or church) we often end up disappointed because once we have some bad experiences there we feel like the world has come to an end, so we need to broaden our community and keep the options open by that way once we have issues there we can get out of it and still not feel like the world has come to an end, it would feel like a storm in a teacup. One should not praise nor rebuke because praising makes you look bigger than the other person and rebuking makes you superior to the other person, one should stay neutral. The encouragement approach is that one must do anything to assist the other person but it’s the other individual who has to do their own task, as it’s said before one can take the horse near the sea but cannot make it drink water. One must not live a life where one desires to be praised because in that way one will live freedom and less life and one’s happiness will always depend on the other person. Gratitude is better than judgment. Horizontal relationships are the ones that there are equal statuses amongst the relationships involved whereas vertical relationships are like parent-child and grandparent. We should be grateful for the people around us no matter what, we should be grateful just for their existence. If you build one vertical relation all of your interpersonal relationships become vertical and you start treating people differently thinking some are higher than you in rank and some are lower.
Chapter Five (Fifth night)
We are not concerned with self-affirmation but self-acceptance. When one is real with their desire and expectations then that's self-acceptance but when one just says things that make themselves feel better or boost their ego then that's self-affirmation. For example, if one scores 60 on a test and says, I just didn’t put too much effort but my best self would have gotten a 100 easily, that's self-affirmation but if one tries to figure out all the ways that one needs to do well then that's self-acceptance. We never lack ability, we lack courage. We should not lose faith in humanity, because if one betrays us once and we had good intentions then is not us who lost. To attain self-acceptance we need to see others as comrades and have confidence in others, those who don’t have confidence in others can not attain self-acceptance. Adler thinks that human psychology is very difficult to understand and it would take effort for someone to learn it. One loves the sense of belonging by providing for others. We need harmony in life, which is to focus and maintain different sectors of life and not only on one thing, we tend to focus on the negatives and that tells us that we lack harmony in life. Workaholism is a living lie, oftentimes we hear people saying they don’t have time for their family because it is really busy at work, and the pressure is too much, according to alder is nothing but a lie because one is trying to blackout of their responsibilities but these excuses. Happiness is a feeling of contribution, it is a feeling that one gets when one is in use of some sort, when one can take part and contribute one becomes fulfilled and happiest. One way to contribute is by being free (not worrying about being liked or disliked, and doing what one thinks is the best). We don’t need recognition from others but from ourselves, we need to accept ourselves and to do so we need to have freedom and be able to contribute to others in every way possible. It’s human nature that we attract attention be it by doing good or doing badly. Often times we see people engaging in bad and unhealthy activities, we should know that their one and only intention is to get attention from others, even if others rebuke them, curse them or beat them they are getting what they wanted which is “attention”, this is an example of easy superiority according to Adler. Alder’s psychology emphasizes the courage to be normal, the courage to be ordinary where one accepts oneself as normal and ordinary and doesn’t desire attention or recognition from others. Life is all about living in the present. One should not dwell on the destination but rather focus on the journey, they should do their own dance and let it take them with the flow. Life is like dots we need to fill one at a time, we can’t change the past and we can’t see the future all we can do is control the present and that is what so all should do. According to the philosopher, we should never propane life, we should do the best we can now rather than leave things for the future. If we live in the moment doesn’t matter if we live 20 or 90 years our life will always be complete because we have made the best of each and every moment. The greatest life lie is to look at the past and the future and not live in the present. Life has no meaning on its own, it's we who assign the meaning of life. No matter what we are going through as long as we contribute to others our life has meaning. According to Adler, we need to change ourselves first to change the world, and Adler advises us to start somewhere, it doesn’t matter whether people cooperate or not just start.